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Nice weather today.
May 31, 2026Went out on a walk today. I was originally going to just walk around the block, but I chose to go a mile down the road to the salon my mom and I went to, which is right next to the rec center in town. I popped in and said hi to everyone, and told them about my mom. They gave me some water and told me to chill out there as long as I wanted to.
So I drank the water and relaxed a little, and then headed out to come back home. My dad called me and was like "Where are you?" and I was like "Walked up to the salon where me and mom go." and he was like "You went all the way up there?!" LOL.
The walk back was easier and felt like it didn't take as long. It's a five minute drive from my house there, but it's a 24 to 30 minute walk there. I went down the street by my house on the way back, and the neighbor on the corner has two chihuahuas -- a tiny black one, and a big fat grey one -- and as soon as I came by they were barking. World's funniest welcoming committee.
I walked up my driveway and my dad was like "I figured you were back when the dogs started yappin'."
I'm tired now but it was a nice walk. I'm dumb and forgot my sunscreen though, and wore all black. I'll be sunburnt, I'm sure, lmao.
Fuck cancer
May 17, 2026My mom is gone.
Fuck cancer.
I hate this.
May 16, 2026my mom went into the hospital on thursday because she hasn't been able to eat or use the bathroom. she called me today, they're talking in home hospice care because they can't operate. there's apparently nothing they can do.
she's been battling pancreatic cancer for six years...
i'm a mess rn. i can't stop sobbing.
Busy day!
May 9, 2026I've had a busy day! I woke up early and had to go for blood work (had to fast overnight for it), then my dad and I went to my uncles' house where my uncle Jeff was working on his camper van.
My dad was like "Let's go visit the cussing man." LMAO.
We stayed for a bit and chatted, and uncle Jeff brought out his puppy, Daisy Mae. She is SO CUTE. She's a brownish-black pitbull mix with a white stripe down her chest. I love her to death!!! She's so sweet. I didn't get to get a picture of her, but my uncle sent me one a few months back, so I'll have to post it sometime.
Then we went to a local vintage shop in my old neighborhood. It was awesome. I bought a purse from the 1980s and a bunch of shirts from the decade too. Sadly I did not find any Culture Club merch this time around. They had some several years ago (of course, when I didn't have my own money!), but not now. Guess I will do some eBaying for my Culture Club stuff. But in a couple of weeks, because I spent a lot LOL.
I'll show my haul in pictures afterwhile, so look forward to that!! :D
I think right now I might take a nap.
An Unexpected Plot Twist
May 6, 2026Well, it's been a hot minute since I updated my blog here. Things are a rollercoaster. My mom's cancer is getting worse and has spread to her liver. We won't know until later (it's after midnight) when she sees her doctor what exactly is happening. I'm so fucked up over this. And then my anxiety and depression is getting worse too... my doctor had to up my dosage of meds, and I have to see a therapist now.
On Monday, the 4th, I converted to Judaism! Well, technically I went back to it, took a Hebrew name, and did the mikveh. My family haven't been practicing Jews in generations, and then down the line converted to different faiths. However, it doesn't make them no longer Jews, but instead they are meshumad. My Hebrew name is Zahava Liora -- golden light.
So yeah, things are up and down right now. I hope you all are well.
Spotify Wrapped 2025: Synths, Screams, and Sparkle-Fueled Sadness
December 3, 2025Today my Spotify Wrapped was like: "You listened for 1,201 minutes. That's 0.8 days. Nice." and I'm like "Yes, Spotify. I gave you just enough to explore my soul." And honestly, I've only had Spotify for a couple of months. If I would have had it the whole year, the number would have been astronomical. Here's the stats below, with commentary. Enjoy!
Top Artist: Culture Club
I listened to Culture Club for 567 minutes, putting me in the top 0.08% of global fans.
Which feels about right, considering I:
- Emotionally bled out to Victims on repeat
- Yelled "I KNOW YOU'LL MISS ME BLIND" like it was a legal threat
- Rebuilt my glittery personality using vintage synths and unresolved gay yearning
- Felt personally attacked by Jon Moss being erased from their current promo photo
- Spiritually camped out inside the Colour By Numbers album for 173 minutes
- Still haven't emotionally recovered from Black Money
I was given the Supporter role in Spotify's "Grit Collective".
Translation: "You picked that one artist and rode or died like a dramatic synthpop paladin."
Top 5 Artists:
- Culture Club (of course!)- $uicideboy$ (because healing is nonlinear and occasionally involves demons)
- Linkin Park (trauma therapy with guitars and screams)
- Grimes (cyberpunk fairy chaos coding through my bloodstream)
- t.A.T.u. (Slavic bisexual rage in a Soviet snowstorm. Iconic. Also funny considering I'm not even really a fan of theirs anymore due to recent controversies involving them cozying up to Kanye West.)
Top 5 Songs:
- Victims - Emotional annihilation with Roy Hay's piano playing- Miss Me Blind - Catchy and probably one of the weirdest videos ever
- Church of the Poison Mind - Funky judgment from a glam priest
- Man-Shake - What's better than a Culture Club B-Side with Jon Moss playing a tribal drum beat with Roy doing a random guitar lick while Boy George and Helen Terry sing? Nothing is better!
- Black Money - George singing about doomed love like a bedtime story
Albums I Worshipped:
- Colour By Numbers - The Holy Text- Kissing to Be Clever - The Chaotic Prequel
- BBC In Concert (1982) - George's voice is rough at times on this album, but it's glorious. Him telling the fans to shut up is comedy gold.
- THY KINGDOM COME by $uicideboy$ - ...and now, for somehting completely unhinged
Spotify said my "listening age" is 62.
I'm 36. But honestly? Accurate. I don't stream, I haunt albums. I don't vibe, I spiral in eyeliner and orchestral synths.
Final thoughts:
I didn't just have a Wrapped -- I had an arc. A narrative. A breakdown. A glittery resurrection. Spotify tried to define me, but I was already screaming lyrics in two languages across three to four decades of pain and fashion.
Long live the synthpop. Long live Culture Club. Long live emotional devastation in full glam.
There's something comforting about Tilak.
November 28, 2025I put Tilak on my forehead fro the first time tonight. The gopi I used is scented -- sandalwood -- and a beautiful saffron color. It's such a comforting thing to do. Most Krishna Consciousness followers, if not all, wear Tilak. Mine isn't perfect, it's a bit wonky, but the intent is there, and that's what matters.
Why are friendships so hard?
November 10, 2025As the title says, why are friendships so hard? My best friend of the past 25 years won't talk to me anymore, all because I don't get on with her abusive husband.
And then I talked in the previous blog post about my ex-friend, J, blocking me for no reason.
Honestly, I'm just so sick of being left with questions. I genuinely don't know what I'm doing wrong.
Like... at least tell me if I've done something wrong before you block me, so I don't keep making the same mistakes. I feel like I'm starting to hit a low point, and it sucks.
Maybe Relationships Aren't For Me
November 6, 2025Been having a rough time. Back in April, I reconnected with an old friend from middle school -- we'll call him J -- and we hit it off, started talking, realized we had a lot in common; a love of pro wrestling, a love of video games, etc. We talked EVERY DAY. Suddenly, around September 20th, he stopped messaging me. I reached out trying to figure out why, and never heard back.
I figured maybe he was busy, since I had remembered him saying he was helping out his family after one of them had surgery, so I really didn't think much of it, and decided to give space. Yesterday, I realized I hadn't seen him posting on Facebook, which was odd. So I went to click on his profile, and it took me to a "Content not found" screen. I was confused.
So I went on my backup Facebook page, and I could see J's page from that one. Yeah. He blocked me. For what reason, I don't know. I never said or did anything untoward. It really hurt because this is usually how romance goes for me; I start talking to someone, we hit it off, realize we have a lot in common, and then they ghost me/block me out of nowhere. It really messes with my head, to be honest. I'm just going to stick to being 'in love' with my favorite celebrities/favorite wrestlers, I guess.
Sadness
November 4, 2025Having a bad mmoment right now. My mom and I were discussing wanting to get a cat. My cat, Matilda, passed away in 2015, so it's been ten years without a cat by my side.
However, as soon as my dad heard what we were discussing, he threw a fit. Said absolutely not, and said that the idea is "bullshit". It's unfair. I guess the things I want don't matter. I honestly hate living here. I want to move out, but I can't afford it. I guess moving out is the only way I can ever have a cat.
I feel like I don't belong in my own home. I've said it before and I'll say it again... I'm a stranger in this world.
Anticipation
November 4, 2025Waiting to receive my Japa Mala. I can't wait to get them, then I can properly chant the Maha Mantra of the morning. I don't know about anyone else, but I chant the Maha Mantra the way Boy George does in the song Bow Down Mister. I can't chant it any other way, LOL.
Also looking forward to receiving my Tilak as well, so I can apply it of the morning before chanting. Of course, I'll have to remove it afterwards -- the bad thing about living with super Christian family that think Krishna Consciousness is a cult -- but it's okay.